I'm Gina Smith

The answer is Amsterdam. But what is the question?

Thanks for this, Joseph. I am of Yugoslav heritage married to a German, and we thought this definitely did not offend.

Subject: TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH (No offense to Germans, please)

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH:

1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. a) You can legally kill yourself, b) You can legally be killed.
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital...
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country.
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbors.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

Zen of Sarcasm (from Woz jokelist)

The Zen of Sarcasm

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A blonde mortician (Steve's joke list)

Normally, I don't do blonde jokes -- being a wannabe blonde counts me out -- but this one was great. Thanks, Steve, and here goes:

 A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly
tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already
wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in
blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank
check and ays, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue
suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; t he suit fits
him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment,
the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman
of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he
was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he
looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Knock, knock. (you say, Who's there?)

Dishes.

Dishes, who?

Dishes the police. Open up!

gs

A 10-year-old told me this joke.

Two muffins were baking in an oven.

One muffin said: "Wow, it's hot in here."

The other muffin said: "AGH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

What kids learn quick!

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

A new cannibal joke.

Haven't done a cannibal joke in awhile.

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? 
He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

Tattoo little passwords between your toes.

Says Kerouac (on religion)

"Ah, life is a gate, a way, a path to Paradise anyway, why not live for fun and joy and love or some sort of girl by a fireside, why not go to your desire and LAUGH." - Jack Kerouac

What is the joke they are telling in The Aristocrats?

I hear Penn from Penn & Teller this morning on KFOG talking about the controversial new movie, The Artistocrats. All these comedians tell what is supposedly the filthiest joke in history -- from Vaudeville times -- though every comedian ad libs the middle.

He wouldn't give its structure away, but I will. It's below.

(p.s. Penn really pissed me off one day when I was in my early 20s when he made a lewd offer to me in front of my boss! Now that I read this joke, I see that maybe I was just being overly sensitive -- or underly litigious!)

The Joke:

Vaudeville came to us before the turn of the last century, and it has left a legacy that, well... I'm not sure how to describe it...

A tradition grew out of it whereby comedians would try to out-do each other by telling the sickest and/or most demented joke possible within a set framework. This meme is named after the requisite punchline; The Aristocrats.

The joke always begins with a family walking into a talent agency. There's always a father, mother, son and/or daughter. And perhaps a dog. Or a marmoset. Whatever players are required. The father says to the talent agent; "We have a really incredible act to show you."

The agent says; "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're too cute."

But the family convinces him to watch the act anyway.

From here the comedian begins to describe the most perverse, bizarre and/or shocking act imaginable, using a sickening or absurd level of detail. The aim is to shock, confuse or bewilder the audience.

The act ends with a big "Tah-dah!" moment, followed by the agent sitting there in shock. Finally, he manages to say; "That's one hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says; "The Aristocrats!"