I'm Gina Smith

A blonde mortician (Steve's joke list)

Normally, I don't do blonde jokes -- being a wannabe blonde counts me out -- but this one was great. Thanks, Steve, and here goes:

 A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly
tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already
wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in
blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank
check and ays, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue
suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; t he suit fits
him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment,
the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman
of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he
was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he
looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Knock, knock. (you say, Who's there?)

Dishes.

Dishes, who?

Dishes the police. Open up!

gs

A 10-year-old told me this joke.

Two muffins were baking in an oven.

One muffin said: "Wow, it's hot in here."

The other muffin said: "AGH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

What kids learn quick!

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

A new cannibal joke.

Haven't done a cannibal joke in awhile.

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? 
He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

Tattoo little passwords between your toes.

Says Kerouac (on religion)

"Ah, life is a gate, a way, a path to Paradise anyway, why not live for fun and joy and love or some sort of girl by a fireside, why not go to your desire and LAUGH." - Jack Kerouac

What is the joke they are telling in The Aristocrats?

I hear Penn from Penn & Teller this morning on KFOG talking about the controversial new movie, The Artistocrats. All these comedians tell what is supposedly the filthiest joke in history -- from Vaudeville times -- though every comedian ad libs the middle.

He wouldn't give its structure away, but I will. It's below.

(p.s. Penn really pissed me off one day when I was in my early 20s when he made a lewd offer to me in front of my boss! Now that I read this joke, I see that maybe I was just being overly sensitive -- or underly litigious!)

The Joke:

Vaudeville came to us before the turn of the last century, and it has left a legacy that, well... I'm not sure how to describe it...

A tradition grew out of it whereby comedians would try to out-do each other by telling the sickest and/or most demented joke possible within a set framework. This meme is named after the requisite punchline; The Aristocrats.

The joke always begins with a family walking into a talent agency. There's always a father, mother, son and/or daughter. And perhaps a dog. Or a marmoset. Whatever players are required. The father says to the talent agent; "We have a really incredible act to show you."

The agent says; "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're too cute."

But the family convinces him to watch the act anyway.

From here the comedian begins to describe the most perverse, bizarre and/or shocking act imaginable, using a sickening or absurd level of detail. The aim is to shock, confuse or bewilder the audience.

The act ends with a big "Tah-dah!" moment, followed by the agent sitting there in shock. Finally, he manages to say; "That's one hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says; "The Aristocrats!"

What do engineers want? (Engineering Jokes)

These jokes came to me from my old friend, Jeffrey Baxter. (He is probably better known as "Skunk Baxter," the legendary Doobie Brothers guitarist.) I can't help but drop names.

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys?  We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."  The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?  Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline near a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.  Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Says Stephen Hawking. (on quantum physics)

The whole history of science has been the gradual realization that events do not happen in an arbitrary manner, but that they reflect a certain underlying order, which may or may not be divinely inspired. Stephen Hawking.