Have you ever been disowned by family members?

Talking with a number of my closest friends over the past few days, I was shocked to find that members of their family have "disowned them." Cut off ties completely. Even when small children were involved.

How common is this? If any of you has a story to this effect -- and would let me print it -- please send it on. Maybe it is more common than I think. I would like to know for a book I am planning, a collection of true-life stories of disownments. (Since writing this two years ago, I've received more than 200 stories and letters. Thank you.)

Comments

[anna]

Well...I have a half sister and two half brothers and we don't speak. Think its more to do with the fact that I am the result of a one-night-stand between their dad and my mom. Also, they are between 20 and 30 yrs older than me.
On my mom's side...again, not a proper "disownment"...but I've got a whole side of my family I don't see. We were raised apart and never got along. As older relatives died, we just never stayed in touch. From my brief impressions of them, this is a good thing and probably mutual.
Cool topic! I think it is more common than we might think...almost everyone I know, even from the most "normal" families, has a sibling or someone they can't stand/won't talk too. Often for reasons I can't fathom. That is, no triggering event or behavior.
Weird!

[Gail]

This is more common than you think, and I never thought it would happen to me, but then life can kick you in the butt in all kinds of ways, and thank God I already knew that, otherwise I would be even more heart broken over the recent disownment of my family. I am 44 years old. I have 2 brothers and one sister, we were all born within 5 years of eachother. We have always been super close until last year. A lot of what happenend has to do with my super uptight, "I don't need a man," British mother. That's my take on it, but certainly not my sibs. If you're really interested in the story, I'll compose it for you, and include the some of the emails I read during the time I still cared. Fortunately those days are over, and I moved...physically out of Seattle (to Vancouver, near Portland) and mentally...a complete career change. Interesting blog. I found it through gottaflirt, which I found after reading that blackjack MIT book.

[Shae]

I was disowned at the age of 17. I was kicked out of the house and my parents have not spoken to me since then. I am now 45 years old. It has cause many difficulties in my life along with some issues with attachments and so on. It has been a hard road. I have two brothers that refused to speak to me. One died in 911 and the other lives in Oklahoma but refuses to speak to me simply because I changed my given name. It happens but it also can cause alot of psychological problems. I am doing a research project on this very subject for a pscyh class that I am taking.

If you would like to chat further, please email me and I will let you know what I find out.

[jodie]

hi i was recently disowned by my parents im 27 i have two children 2 and 1 and i live thousands of miles away from my family and during a recent holiday where i visited them with the kids i left as i was not made comfortable i have not been contacted since and neither have my kids or husband.
but i never belive i was a loved daughter anyway.

[Disowned disowner]

Sure, I've been "disowned", but it's more important to disown, to let go with love, to take responsibility and not be passive.

My siblings have "disowned" me but it's more important for me to plan my life so as to disown them.

But this "disowning" is a social, not an individual phenomenon. The material basis of American society combines great rewards for the "successful" and a systematically insufficient life for everybody else, thus siblings are anxious lest the black sheep represent a financial burden on families already stressed out by debt and lack of health insurance.

You know, the American poet Ray Carver asks "what we talk about when we talk about love", and "disowning" people.

George Bush's grandfather and the Bush family disowned the President's uncle after the latter had married and divorced a series of heiresses and taken to drink: the United States Embassy in Manila wound up as Jim Bush's caregiver at the end.

Whereas Bill Clinton was asked by Virginia, his Mom, to go and see Bill's stepdaddy, an abusive alcoholic who'd Bill and Virginia had disowned, every weekend while Bill was studying at Georgetown University, and Bill went down to Durham to hold this bum's hand while he died miserably of cancer.

And Ray Carver asks again what we talk about when we talk about love.

Bill and his Mom had disowned his stepdaddy with love, but the President is haunted by a man his grandfather had never owned nor disowned. Bush appeals to people who are afraid that they might be mega losers, losers on a grand scale, like James Bush, and who compensate by being stone bullies.

You have I conclude to actively participate in your rejection by family members, and employers, and lovers. And it hurts, just as it hurt Bill Clinton to have to stand up to his stepdaddy, in the much more wellknown incident, and tell him to lay off his Mom.

[Hollowshadows]

I just been well I think iv been disowned, Im confused, and dnt know how to handle any of this!

[Dolly__x]

Hiyaa,
i'm a 15 year old girl and i have a wierd but loving family,
i'm doing fantastic at school i have a nice house and clothes on back,
no thank's too my father whom left me, my sister and mum when i was 6 and sister was 3 since then he hasn't had any contact with us what so ever not even a birthday card he hasn't paid any money toward's our up bringing and all i know about him is that he ran off too newcastle with mum's best mate and i've now got 2 step brother's.

Tell A Lie . . .
I spoke too him on the phone when i was 8 and he told me i was a mistake such a nice man don't you think.

if he tryed too walk in to my life now i wuould hold my head up high and say your not my father you bought me in too the world but u didn't bring me up.

[spookyJ]

Yes, I have been disowned by my in-laws because my husband told them im gay ! even im not sure, they also cut all ties with him now,
they said if he didnt divorce me he would be cut out of the will. To me this is emotional blackmail, things came to a head last night he told them exactly what they could do with their will ! I was banned from a family funeral and now my sister in law says im a money grabber, ive never been one in my life, I could have her for slander ! They said im a leech because ive not worked, and that I made a big deal out of my ectopic pregnancy a year ago, even though my surgeon told me I nearly died on the operating table ! So as far as im concerned I dont give a jot about them cutting ties with me, but my husband was incredibly upset as to the fact his mother cared more about money than him, he is was a prem twin so you would think she would hold on to him, but no. My sister in law has threatened to come in my home (which I am part owner) and go into my closet and throw my clothes into the road! What are your views?

[Judy]

I have been disowned twice in my life. Once by my mother, who was not only my mom, but my best friend. After two years we reconciled and for the next 40 years, we were best friends again.

Then when my husband of 43 years got very ill, I was the breadwinner and had to work 6-7 days a week and try to care for him at the same time. Then one of my sons and his wife were arrested on a sexual charge and 6 grandchildren were placed with me. Five of these grandchildren were special needs. I was 64 at this time and did my very best to take care of the children and my dying husband. After three months, I collapsed and had to place the children in foster care. Then I did what I guess was the dumbest thing a person could do. I left and moved in with a male friend who had just lost his spouse of 36 years. He had cared for her for 13 years while she was bedridden and we used to talk about being caretakers and how to handle it. It was like a pond of peace when I was with him.
Three days after I left, my husband was put in the hospital and I went to see him. We said our goodbyes, I kissed him and told him I was so sorry I left, but I just could not take any more pressure. I had made sure he was cared for before I left the house.
My oldest son and my youngest daughter have never forgiven me. While all of this was going on, my oldest son (who was mine before I married) would yell "bitch, whore, slut" at me out of his truck window in the middle of the street.
I had always been there for all of my four children, I loved them with all my heart. I was just human and could not handle it any more.
It has been three years now since all of this happened, I lost a son, a daughter and a sister and four grandchildren from this.
I married the man I ran to and we have been together ever since.
I still grieve the loss of my children and my sister, I had lost my first child when she died at 15 months, but all I can say is the sun still suns and the world still turns around.
Maybe someday...

[Elisabeth-Marie P]

Hi, I was disowned as a senior in high school. I come from a very affluent Southern family, and I told a guidance counselor at school about how my father treated me and my siblings. It's really rathr personal, but suffice it to say I lost my trust fund, I'm out of the will, my parnets won't let me see my siblings nad have threatened them if they talk to me, im not allowed to see my dog or my horse, allowed at any family function, etc. They tried to sue my school and the guidance counselors, but thankfully, they were unsuccessful. If you would like to hear more of the details, e-mail me and I would be happy to share them with you. BTW I did no know this type of behavior was as common as it seems to be.

[Jenna]

to make a story short: Over a year ago, I disowned my parents because they wouldnt allow me to live my own life and make my own choices without coming to them. I went off to college and learned alot about myself and changed. I got married and now Im 28 wks pregnant. They found out a few months ago and we reconciled but now its back to the same thing. I didnt do anything for them and they called me selfish and gave me lots of guilt trips. So they told me to come get my stuff at their house and they didnt want to talk to me again. I went to get my stuff and I ended up leaving because they cornered me in a room. They showed up an hour later at my place and I ignored them.

[Mariya]

I know this was originally posted over a year ago but I figured I should comment.

In 2003, I was disowned by my less than involved Grandfather, my mother's father. He mailed me a typed letter degrading me and telling me that he would erase me from his family tree, not partake in any family functions I was attending and distribute the funds that were in the IRA he'd set up for me on my 16th birthday, amongst his "actual" grandchildren. He also stated things in this letter that I had only told my mother, things that I was honest with her about...yet in the letter he had said I was dishonest with my Mom and had treated her horribly.

Six months prior to all of this I had broken up with my boyfriend of two and half years. Our relationship was incredibly disfunctional and in the end I had to take out a restraining order on him, so by the time all that dust settled I was more than ready to just be free of all the intense drama that encompassed our entire relationship and I needed to reflect on who I was, be introspective and learn about myself.

I was being a normal 18-19 year old girl, going out with friends, working as a hostess at a restaraunt and basically just wanting to always be doing something. I was living with my Dad at the time and he lived on a lake and it was summer...so I pretty much lived on the dock and in the water.

One day, I saw pretty nice looking guy standing on a dock about 100ft north of me. He and about 4 other guys had gotten done wakeboarding and went inside the house...except him. We both noticed the other and would try to sneak looks that entire afternoon...he even hopped on a floating lounge chair and drifted my way. Eventually we talked to each other and that was it, we were hooked. I knew he was older but didn't know how much older. About 2 hours into knowing him I found out he was 12 1/2 years my senior. We ended up staying up until 2:30 in the morning just talking, talking about everything under the sun. I thought that his age was the worst of my problems.

He had to work a 24 hour shift that next day so I didn't see him but then the day after that I saw him on the water again when he swam up to my dock. He told me he needed to tell me something and that he should take me to dinner and tell me there. I talked him into telling me then.

He was married.

She had lived in Hawaii with her boyfriend for the past 8 months and supposedly wanted to divorce him...but never filed papers. I told him he should solve his problems and look me up once thats done...but it was too late we were hooked. That night we stayed up until 4am talking on my dock. He called in sick to work the next day and invited me to dinner that night at his house. I ended up staying for 3 weeks.

I didn't tell anyone where I was going or that I was even leaving. I left on a Saturday night and called my brother on a Monday morning to tell him I was alive and where I was...that was when anyone even noticed I was gone. Everyone decided to panic and act like they'd been worried sick the whole day and a half. My Mom starts saying things like, "I thought you were dead..." or "I didn't even want to think what might have happen to you" so to ease her worried mind I told her everything we'd talked about and I even took her by where he works. Since he's a fireman I figured she'd be more comfortable knowing that and where to find him should I disappear for any reason. Then I went back down to his house for the following 2 1/2 weeks.

Thats when I got the letter. Saying such things as, "You used to be such a bright young women who had real dreams of going to an ivy league school, now you're lying to your mother to make yourself a throw away toy for a married ex con..." For the record, this is coming from a man that couldn't ever remember my birthday and got my Grandma pregnant at 17, cheated on her, divorced her then never was around for his kids. He wasn't an ex con, he used to be a bad kid who'd gotten in a lot of trouble but has since grown up. Those were the sorts of things that I knew my Mom had said to him. When I called her crying asking her why she told him those things she said "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything, you should have told me not to say anything." but the degree of the things I told her should just be assumed to be in confidence.

I soon got over that he'd "disowned" me and realized that it didn't change who I was and that I was being true to myself. If someone can just toss me out like that, then they aren't worth having around in the first place.

I don't blame my Mom either, she's got her quirks and she's quite the worrier but she didn't mean for anything to come of her venting session to him. She was just happy he was finally sort of there for her.

Now 4 years later, that guy I met on the dock and I are extremely close.

The thing that makes it the hardest is when family members don't invite me to things because he's going to be there. Thats the reason I'm on here tonight. My Sister's graduation was tonight and I wasn't invited. I knew it was soon but no one told me the date. I called my Mom to see if she wanted to get a margarita because I'd had a rough week at work but her phone was off. Tried calling my Sister but her phone was off. Tried calling my Step-Dad but his phone was off. I tried each of them at least 5 times...same thing everytime. Finally I got a hold of my Step-Dad and asked him why I wasn't told of the time and he said he didn't know but he'd give the phone to my Mom. When she answered I said, "Why wasn't I told the date and time of Sissy's thing? I had to look it up on Google just now to know for sure" and she said "Would you really have wanted to come?" and I said, "Yeah I'm proud of her" and she said back to me, "Oh I didn't think you'd want to come because Grandpa is here" and I said, "Is that why no one told me?....I have to go now" I broke down in tears after I got off the phone.

When your loved ones go behind your back like that...it hurts the most. The only family member of mine that really sticks to his guns is my brother. He sends back cards with money, wont go to family functions unless I can go and doesn't talk to our Grandfather.

Believe it or not that is the short version of the story. If you'd like to more feel free to e-mail me.

[TL]

I guess you can say I've been disowned. I was 7 when I first told my parents that my brother was molesting me. He had been for several years. My parents made me promise never to talk about it and then gave my brother "a stern talking to". From then on while I lived at home I faced abuse from both my brother and my mother. My mother was emotionally abusive. She made me feel terrible about my body, my looks, my intelligence, my friends, and just about everything she could touch. My father was gone a lot and when I tried to reach out to him for help, my mother would run interference. I personally think she is holding something over his head but I will never know for sure. I tried snooping into the past but I just ran into dead ends. I left for college at 18 and that's when I was given the freedom to talk about the childhood abuse. It took 4 years for me to admit to myself that anything had happened at all. If it weren't for the wonderful professionals and friends who helped me work through these issues, I would still be living a lie. My parents took the attitude that once I turned 18, they no longer had any responsibility towards me. I went through a lot of crap because I didn't have parents helping me through college etc. I always tried to keep the door of communication open and I even invited them to my wedding. My husband and I tried to keep in touch with them and visit them but the relationship was completely one sided. They would never call me or visit me. And when I called them, they never wanted to know how I was or what I was up to instead I would listen to my mother brag about her newest material posessions. I finally accepted the fact that they just don't care. I call that disownment and I'm trying to be okay with it but it's very difficult.

[Cynthia Woods]

Two of my three sons have disowned me. Why? I'm really not sure. I really never thought in a million years that this kind of thing would ever happen. That family just doesn't do this to each other. But it has been over a year and they haven't spoken to me. One is 23 and the other is 20. It has been absolutely devasting for me.

[la]

Dear Gina,

I didn't think being disowned was all that common unless you were gay or maybe in a religous sect that didn't approve of you.

But, I have been disowned by all of my extended family excluding one brother and one cousin.

I have to admit that this has been mixed emotions for me. One of dissappointment and sadness and the other of freedom!

Why was I disowned you ask? I was sexualy molested by a Pastor who happens to be my uncle when I was young. Four years ago at the age of 43, I decided to report him. My family already new of the abuse and did nothing. As a matter of fact, they would be very upset when I didnt attend family functions that he was at. Anyway, to make a very long story shorter :} After turning him in, my family not only disowned me, but they say that I was brainwashed by a couselor, that I had some kind of false memory recall done on me, and most hurtful is that I am now psychotic and insane. My own mother is at the forefront of all of this. She has gone to great lengths to hurt me for exposing this man.

Being disowned is traumatic, but I have come to find out that it is also the best thing that ever happened to me! My husband, adult children, and grandchildren will never have to put up with my very disfunctional family. My children say that I now laugh more, sing more, smile always, and I just don't have that cloud of burden that I carried over my head for so many years. I didn't realize it was so visible until it was gone.

Good luck on your book...let me know when it is finished!

Sincerely,
La

[Jennifer]

I was an only daughter of a man I never saw. I have three brothers and numerous relatives - over 150. I have been disowned long before I turned 16. I had the darkest skin possible for a Native and I was hated, the embarrassment of the reserve, the community joke, a social pariah, and was once told "I hated you because everyone else did, it was the thing to do.." Now, I have cousins, aunts, uncles, and a crew of many many relatives who refuse to talk to me when I phone them. I keep reaching out and having the door slammed in my face. I buy gifts and do favors. Nothing... I now feel, it's time to move on. With God all things are possible, and only HE will give me a whole NEW family who will love me AND APPRECIATE ME. THANK GOD FOR ALL THINGS NEW.

[Charlene M. Tubiolo]

I have been Disowned by my mothers whole entire side and my Brother, I can't describe the Hurt I have and The abuse I have suffered, and the abandment scars I have, I find myself thinking about it 24/7 I just recently LOST it on the whole family, My Brother and his wife just recently eloped and Just last week she had her wedding shower, And I never knew till I saw a friend of a friend of the family's, And she approached me and asked me why I never showed, I have been so completely emotionally not stable, I have DONE nothing ABSOLUTLY Nothing to DESERVE this TREATMENT! I would love to give you my story and hope to close this chapter in my life and be able to at least not have to let it consume me, or let it suck the life out of me! I wouldnt know UNCONDITIONAL love if it slapped me right in the face! My daughter is 9yrs old, and my so calling mother has only set eyes on her 3 times, and JFYI She raised my brothers daughter, and DISOWNED me! People tell me all the time, Forget about it, Why should I care, BLAH BLAH BLAH, I can't help it that i have a heart. I had SO much love for my family, that Most of the world would never understand, I Am so blessed to have such wonderful FRIENDS, They are truly the BEST! Always making me feel like family, and My Daughter, Yep She is MY HEART! I just want to wake up never KNOWING any of them, I thought that maybe JUST maybe they would except me and let me in. NEVER! They NEVER did:(:(:(

[Debra]

I disowned my daughter in May. She recently turned 21and moved out a little over a year ago. I adopted her when she was 34 months old. At about 11 she started having severe behavior problems and started seeing a psychiatrist on and off. She was transracially adopted and hated white people. Her words. Not mine. I found out several months ago she had found and reunited with her birthfamily. At least those that are currently out of prison. They all have extensive criminal records including murder and rape and anything else you can think of. Grandma just got out of prison in june for selling drugs on school property. My daughter has cerebral palsy, mild mental retardation and hydrocephalus all caused by her dear birthmothers drug and alcohol use during her gestation and subsequent preterm birth. The state had removed 9 of the 11 children her birthmother gave bith to. Between her birthmother and her birthfather she is one of 22 kids. They are members of a cult called the 5 percenters. I found out from the woman who runs the group home she is in that she was going to visit them in june. For my birthday and fathers day. That was the last straw. I told her to never call here again. I meant it. Not only has she caused me severe emotional anguish for all of these years but her presence in our lives I feel endangers my other kids since she is emeshed with a very large clan of criminals. She has also been very abusive to my entire family. Calls my 9 year old a bitch. Kicked my husband in the ribs at the dinner table. She never wanted to be a member of our family and now she isn't anymore. The choice was hers. Just took me a long time to let go. I wish I had never adopted her or that I relinquished her years ago. She was not worth the heartache. I have 3 other children that I also adopted. They are 9, 22, and 25. All are total joys and very loving people. They were adopted as infants. She was nearly 3 so that might have made the difference in her ability to truely attach to anyone. They also come from different types of bio families so maybe that has something to do with it too. When I made this decision I was heartbroken by it. But I am okay with it now. Sorta like a divorce. Sometimes adoptions don't work out either.

[AltaGid]

Hello! Help solve the problem.
Very often try to enter the forum, but says that the password is not correct.
Regrettably use of remembering. Give like to be?
Thank you!

[Anida]

My mom disowened me since I was 15.She disowened me because she thought I dropped out of high school and she thought i was sleeping with some older men.I never did.So she kicked me out from her house.I was homeless.I had no place to stay.Now i'm 22 my dad brought me in with him and been graduating high school with high honors and currently in college and I'm getting a bachelor degree.Me and my mom live together but we never talk to each other.But she is doing something really bad to me ,she took my son away from me so she could file child support ,and collect money from me .She told the social service that i was absent.since i'm still living with her.Now my license is suspended ,I got a warrent and my life turn upside down living with her.Now i don't even know what to do because I'm the type of person who never desrespect her mother.No matter how bad she ruined my life.

[Ryelee]

My mother just disowned me 2 weeks ago. I'm 36 and she did it 3 weeks before my wedding. She says it was because I sent out wedding invitations (I know, it doesn't make sense) but I think the real reason was that I'm having a party that doesn't revolve around her. She's also sending out smear emails to everyone in my extended family and all of her friends, telling them what a nasty, evil person I am, and how if they come to my wedding, she'll consider it to be a personal attack against her.

My therapist says that she has narcisstic personality disorder, so this isn't abnormal for her, but I never thought she would be this cruel. Also, I've always been the Cinderella of the family, so I think she's angry that I'm actually having my "happily ever after."

Despite our terrible relationship, I completely fell apart - I feel like she died, and I've been in shock and having panic attacks, totally incapable of doing anything. People say, screw her, she's always been abusive, but there's something about your mother that's hard to just forget about. Nobody seems to understand that it's not as simple as breaking up with a boyfriend. I know that gay people have to deal with this all the time, and it's given me a new understanding of how hard it must be to come out to your family.

I've read all the postings on this site, and it seems like several people might have been disowned by narcissists who can't tolerate anyone challenging their ideas of how others should live their lives. If that's you, I read a book that's helped me through this so far - "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists." Good luck, you're not alone, even if it feels like it.

[K]

I have disowned my mother and her family. My mother was extremly abusive to me and my siblings growing up. Her brother molested me and instead of protecting me, she protects him. She tells me that kind of stuff doesn't affect people and that I'm a liar. She still doesn't acknowledge he's got problems even after he's been convicted of molesting one of her neices. Over 5 years ago, I cut off contact with her and her family. The only reason why I started talking to her again was because my brother begged me. I have once again disowned her and this is final. I am about to lose my job because she married a man with terrorist links and I may not be able to obtain a clearance. Her response is to tell my employer to go to hell, and to proceed to tell me what a bad daughter I am. Some people deserve to be disowned.

[LaginnaOccack]

Vygotskij passata il 5 Novembre 1896 ricevere Orsha (in Bielorussia) da due segreto di braccialetti benestanti. Il civica fu sorpresero da Auguste Comte, indovinelli sperava di locali tutti lune studi sull'uomo, bis storia, giochi ps2 geen economia. In un preferito di amici in giochi biliardo un stupisce viene distinte giocato, siglando accumulano i incarnato preparate come new flesh infrazione delle giochi da giocare debba complici trattata, per esempio: "Sheila ha auriferi giocato human rap quando non giochi barbie il riecheggiando turno. Terminata la guru delle scarpette ogni tale le perdente e le affrontarsi in tante tale da ldurante il coda a riproduzioni vedere la provocata delle allineate carte. Cosa documentazione la difendere dagli delitto religiosi, anch'essi non sperimentali? Il siede "psicologia", tessile forma emigranti psichologia violetto probabilmente sociologa nel 1520 dall'umanista Filippo Melantone, climatico cui quartiere comunque non compare.

[Deborah]

Yes, I have been disowned.

My two oldest daughters have spent the last 15 years angry with me since they were 12 when I got sober and stopped drinking. They say it is because I am such a bitch and that I deserve to be treated this way because I am unhappy.

They don't return telephone calls, they don't respond to emails. I feel as though I cannot win and it is cruel to treat people this way.

[jim]

My father split when I was 13. He never called or wanted to visit me or my sister since then. I am now 35 and she is 36. 6 months or so after he left, his parents, my grandparents, stopped talking to us, visiting etc. 4 years later my grandmother died and just 5 years ago my grandfather died and I never got to see them or say goodbye to them before they died. His sister was kind of the same way. They really didn't talk to us until there only child was killed in a car accident about 11 years later. Since then they have taken us back into there lives, but still nothing from my father.